Clearly you are the farmer of a lemon orchard, yet you are so surprised with your harvest. Maybe you should try making lemonade, but that type of task seems below your station. Well, guess what? You aren’t that special. I know your mom thinks you are special, and she is right. What your mom forgot to tell you is that everyone is special, and you should treat them accordingly.

Life is hard for you. Your sense of entitlement does not always match up with what you end up with. Your problem is that you’re a douchebag. As a favor, I figure the direct approach works best for you. No one really likes a douchebag. Yes, you may be mildly amusing, adequate at your job, and maybe even good looking, but that doesn’t matter. You are still a tool.

No one likes a tool. However, when you only grow citrus fruit and bitch about the outcome, can you really blame the rest of us for calling a spade a spade? According to Wikipedia, “Douching has been touted as having a number of supposed but unproven benefits.” Let’s be truly honest there are no special benefits of being a douchebag.

Sassiquette Lesson #610: Acting like a douchebag does not make you special. Instead of being a tool, just drown your sorrows in liquor and save everyone the bother of your presence and just become a hermit.

Know a douchebag? I recommend assisting them in becoming an alcoholic. Just serve them up a gin martini with a twist of lemon. Who knows, if they drink enough, maybe they will leave you alone and the world will become a happier place.